Rocky 30

Where should I start this? 

Well, I just turned 30 two weeks ago. Which was very exciting! Great news was my boy friend flew back from Japan to celebrate my bday weeks with me. I was thrilled and excited. He sent me flowers on my birthday and called me to say he loves me on my birthday. Very sweet! 

I went home and he was very affection and wishes me happy birthday again. Then he said maybe we wanted to take a nap before going out for dinner? So we laid down a bit and I noticed that something is not right with him. I asked , he denied. I asked again and he caved and told me that he got fired today. On my 30th birthday!! He got fired! That was just the most devastating news I have heard. So I drilled down to the bottom of it and learned that he is pretty much the scapegoat. Compnay wanted to cut budget so they need to cut him, instead of saying lay off they were using fire so they don't have to pay more severance and company could save their reputation. Anyhow, long story short, he got himself unfired and get another department to hire him. Good news is, he is moving back sooner than expected. Which is good. 

Then lets continue with my 30th story. I have achieved so mixu that I wanted to achieve approaching 30. I have done my 1st outdoor Tri , I am building up a competitive dragon boat team. I m very happy and very proud of myself. But... What is this leading me to?? I love to get my career goal set and moving forward in my career. Not fooling around with sports and moving forward for my career. I hated my job and wanted to get PMP cert for so long but I failed twice. I stopped, I m scared, I m terrified and frightened because I don't know how to not fail again for my third time. I m so embarrassed and I have lost my ego. I can't face life like that. I am totally defeated. Anyhow. I m back in the game, take it slow and take it easy and wanted to give it another try soon. I need that damn PMP !!! I really do. 

Another thing that really upset me is my boyfriend decision towards marriage. We talked about it many times but no decision. So just now I told him we should just get married now so I can get my green card. And he was talking about we should look into how to not get audited or how much time it will take for a wedding to get through bla bla bla. I was very upset and disappointed and realized that he is not taking this seriously. I needed someone to bail me out. And he couldn't do it. At least not at the momment. I m not surprised but I was hoping that he was more prepared...... I m very dissapointed.... Very dissapointed. 

Alone

Ever since I started working and living in the US, I have learned to eat alone and watch movie by alone. So sad so sad.... Has been 7 yrs now

I hate people that DON'T respect WOMEN!!!

HATE THIS FUCKING COMPANY!!!!
Some people that I who for should be destroyed from this world!
You don't respect me, You don't respect women??? You are such a PIG!
You will get destroy from the universe!!!
I know what I am doing and I have my ability to do my job! I don't need to you tell me that YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME?? I am not 10 yrs old! I am not stupid idiot woman that don't know her job well.

You thought you are better than me? GO TO HELL!!!!

Need a life restructure

  Went to Jp for a 10 days trip, went to see my boo and it was definitely one of the most memorable and fun vacation trip I've ever had with him. We didn't have much agendas, we just swing it most of the time. This was one of the trips where I did not travel for purposes other than the purpose to see him and spend time with him.
   For the past 10 yrs, when I travel; I tend to squeeze in all agendas (friends' wedding, friends bday, new years, Xmas etc) during the trips. Therefore I didn't get myself enough time to really enjoy the vacation. It was more like  'mission trips' than leisure holiday. That was why this vacation was so much fun and relaxing.
   It was hard to come home after spending good times with him. He had to stay and I had to come back to the cruel and cold reality.
   I kept on thinking about the good times we had while we were together.
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   There is a bitter sweet to this story. We are still doing long distance.
   This man that I love doesn't have a clue on what to do with his future or/and our future.
   This woman right here, was trying to wait for good thing to happen.
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   I am not sure how much longer I can tolerate.
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   Life is pretty flat and lonely over there. I need some changes. Roller coaster kinda changes or tiny ripples effect kinda changes, i don't know. The only thing I know is, I am not happy!
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I need to restructure my life. Especially work wise. I got to to leave this fucking job! I hate every minutes of my 8 hours day at work!

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Holding grudges?

I try not to be the person who likes to hold grudges. I keep on telling people that "No!! I don't hold grudges, No!! Not at all! What's the point?"
Well...the more i deny, the more I realized that I really just don't want to accept the real self. YUP! I tend to hold grudges and I can't help it.
I love to do good deed for friends and family. But if I felt like I was being used from what I have been contributing to that person or relationships, you are dead to me. YUP! I hold grudges. I have blacklisted you and you are dead to me.
No matter how much more you try to do to win me back, I can't seem to be able to forgive why you were using me while I was doing good deed for you?
Case and point - A few friends that I met never want to hang out or reply to emails or texts when we were asking them to hang out! But when he/she is bored and lonely, then you started to see communications from them asking to hang out!
To me, this is not acceptable. Believe it or not, I believe it KARMA. What comes around, goes around. If you ignore my previous kind invitations, I will do the same to you when you needed friends.

I try not to be a hypocrite, but I can't control myself. I really HATE people who sees themselves more important than anyone else in this world.

For this kinda person, you have been BLACKLISTED by me!

Can't Stop

Can't Stop!
I can't stop thinking about my long distance boy friend that was why I can't stop doing things during my free times.
I do not allowed myself to have free time at all. I have to set goals for myself to keep myself busy 24/7 so I am not missing him so much. I am so crazily busy now that I have made myself so tired and exhausted. I singed up for many kinds of community events, volunteer events, planning committee for events, go to gym 4-5 days a week, sign up for races, trying out triathlon, yoga, trail runs, update my resume, getting new job, thinking of changing....dreaming of going for vacation, thinking of leaving my current place and go to where he is now to be with him...... I am so stressed...I am so stressed..... I am suffocated and almost can't breath...

I am not sure where will this end, but I know I will soon driving myself crazy if this doesn't come to and imminent end.

At the end of the day, I don't even know if it is worth it to wait for so long for a person to come home.

You know....we only live once. I will live for myself! Occasionally having loves from others are the bonus for my life.

peace out!

 .

Just sad

Sad, just sad.
Things haven't gone well lately. I have been acting strong and pretending like nothing has happened because if I acknowledged it myself, I don't think I can hold myself up.

Sad, just sad.

How can I start this?
How about someone who you have been trusted all along has betrayed you? It seems so unreal and the fact was so hard to believe. I was denial for a while, I stunt while waiting for my body and brain to react!

Sad...just sad.

You found man betray woman and woman betray man all the time. It is human nature to find try something new, to find someone interesting, to challenge themselves to get something/someone they have never got before. But why couldn't this human being control themselves, hold off the lust and think about their love ones who were loyal to them all those times when they were out there thinking and doing something else with other people!
I guess that is just human nature!

Sad...just sad.

He broke the only aspect that we have between us. The only thing required to be held tight on; he broke it. And this is the man whom I trusted 200% who broke my heart and broke the trust between us!

Silly...just silly.

Silly lady whom trusted a man fully with no doubts! Eventually the too much trust and freedom had came back to haunt her.

Silly, just silly.

The past 6 months, my mood swung like a roller coaster. I can't make a decision, I can't come up with an answer and I don't know what is right and what is wrong to do. The ups and downs, the rocky emotional changed, the mood swing have given me enough sorrow!

Silly girl Silly.
If I have to choose again, I will love myself more. Much more. I will build iron around my heart so nobody can break into it and nobody will leave a scar on my heart. No body, no body!

Funny fact is, LOVE is the only thing that nobody can explain and none of the dictionary can you a correct definition on what a LOVE is.

I need to build up my tolerance to not getting hurt again.

I don't know who to trust anymore, I believe I will know if he slowly welding out the iron around my heart and seal it with diamond, take gentle care of it. Never let the heart rate drop nor raised.

Never will I trusted someone easily anymore! Never will I.

Only stupid people will want to get married! Got to steal this quote from Sex and the City.

I was so ready to tight the knot and rushing through maturity and cruising through my adulthood. But he has changed my mind. He has changed all the hope I had for men. I can't help it but thinking that the newly wed couples will suffer from family issues soon. The man will be cheating on her one day. Just a matter of time!

Good luck to all of the people who are getting married out there!

I am sorry to be so permissive but I have seen a lot and nobody will be loyal to just one partner in this colorful, shinny, exciting and filthy world.

Sad! Just Sad